While talking about marriage, Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says, “When two lines move parallel to each other, they can go a long way. But when the same lines cross each other, they cannot go too long.” He also says that a woman should never step on her man’s ego and the man should not disrespect the wife's emotions. The whole world may say to the gentleman that he has ‘no brains’, but his wife should never say so. She should always say, you are the most intelligent person on the planet. She should always pump his ego. This is essential. If the lady starts telling her man that he is good for nothing, and that he is a vegetable, then he will really become one!
One secret tip for men is that they should never step on their wives’ emotions. She may complain to you about her brother, or mother, or family, but you should not join the bandwagon. The moment you start nodding with her complaints, she will turn around, all hundred and eighty degrees. Instead of dwelling on her complaints, she will start complaining about you. She will say, how dare you say such things about my father. What do you know about him? And for both of you (men and women), don't ask for proof of the other's love for you. Don't ask them, do you really love me? This sort of complaint should never be made. Never give the burden to someone to prove their love for you. If you find their love for you is less, you should ask why do you love me so much? This will work!
Learn To Give Rather Than Grabbing
We want to get what we can out of marriage instead of seeing it as a sacred institution where you have to contribute rather than grab your own pleasure. People fall in love getting attracted to each other, but in a few months, the attraction dies down and demand begins. Other's flaws also appear much stronger. In the earlier era, people would respect and submit to each other. If only one is respecting and the other is submitting, it will soon lead to a clash. But if both respect and submit to each other, it takes you to another plane of more stability in a relationship.
In earlier times, both of them understood their limitations and other's limitations also and accepted them. They felt that there was no other way. They had to accept and move on. Moreover, they took on additional responsibilities as well. They had to take care of the elders. They had to take care of the children. Very little time would be left to fight with each other. On top of it, they had social and moral responsibilities too; religious duties to perform. When your life is programmed in many dimensions, you have very little time to sit and argue with your spouse. Perhaps, that was one reason that they were much more stable. The social fabric was such that it kept the families or marriages intact.
Inter-Caste Marriages Should Be Encouraged
Parents should agree to and appreciate the inter-caste marriages of their children. Gurudev says, “Caste System is not just in India. It's in many parts of the world.” Earlier, the caste system was a professional club, just like doctors’ club, engineers’ association and chamber of commerce. It is not that someone is higher or lower; it was purely based on profession. In India, the person who wrote the biggest scripture was a dalit, someone from the lowest caste (Valmiki wrote Ramayana). Many of the scriptures were written by so-called lower castes. Some parents think that by doing an inter-caste marriage, their children will corrupt the ancestral line and it will also not be correct religiously. But that's not true!
The Caste System has discrimination now. It's not as it used to be. It was never there originally. The Caste System used to be very fluid and flexible before but later on turned rigid and authoritarian.
Spirituality & Marriage
Is being married better for our spiritual growth or being single? Gurudev says, what is better is to be happy, whether married or single. There are people who are single, yet unhappy and there are people who are married yet unhappy. Both are wrong. Whether you are single or married, it doesn't matter. What is desirable is clarity of mind and purity of heart. Marriage is not a hindrance to spiritual growth. Marriage is a commitment to walk together where there is cooperation, compassion and care. As time passes in a relationship, couples witness changes in expectations and attitudes. The relationship can become better with more yoga and meditation practice. We can learn how to communicate better in the relationship, and to be more patient and forgiving. Again and again, the cycle rotates from rosy and glorious bliss to momentary shakiness. Commitment is what holds it together when you decide not to fall. Spirituality is what gives the strength to see it through.
You Are Still Worthy Of A Healthy Marriage
You must remember that your spouse does not have to prove themself to you about their loyalty towards you. It is a big headache to keep ascertaining your love for someone. Women should not get their husbands to self-guilt and should keep praising them for something or the other. If someone keeps doubting your sincerity of love and you have to keep proving it again and again, what a heaviness it is on your head! It is very difficult to prove love. Nobody in the world has ever been able to do it fully. And you keep asking, do they really love you? You should take it for granted that they love you. Even if the love has dried out, it will get rekindled. They will see your magnanimity and understanding and will start loving you more. On the other hand, men should not play with the emotions of their wives. They should respect their wives. One common advice for both is that neither the husband nor the wife should demand love. You must remember that demand destroys love.
When Your Life Partner Cheats On You
If your spouse cheats on you, what do you do? Find out why they are cheating. Lack of higher joy and satisfaction leads to temptation. See, the mind runs for something new. You always take pride in new technology. The heart yearns for old. You take pride in old friendships. You never say, this is my new friend and that's my old computer. So when the mind is always looking for something new and it gets joy from that, it's not sustainable. The mind changes, but the heart holds on. That's why people do all these sorts of things. In fact, they do not even know why all this is happening. There is no higher context to life for them. The higher context to life is that you are a beautiful source of energy and are a part of this bigger consciousness. What hurts you the most is when someone you love tells lies to you. You simply must know that they value your love more than the truth. They are scared that they may lose your love. The fear of losing love makes one tell a lie. So, what do they value most? Love! If you don't value love so much, why would you tell lies to anybody? You have to create that space for them, which is “Come on! Don't worry. I am with you”. Then they will open their hearts. When the communication is good and you are sure of not losing your love, you come and confess, revealing everything to them.
Usually, with the mother, it happens. You know that mother will anyway not reject you at any cost. So you go and tell your mom almost everything. Right? You tell your mother. You tell your teacher. You tell your guide. You tell your mentor. You don't feel shy with them. You open your heart before them because you are sure you will not lose them. You know that they are not going to judge you. Can we not have a similar relationship in marriage also? It is possible. Some families do have this type of bonding; the bonding is strong. When the bonding is strong, lies disappear. When you enter into a relationship or marriage, you want to know everything about the person. You make them an object of your knowing and get into trouble. You start policing them. You want to know where and with whom they go. Then, they start feeling stifled and say, “Come on! Give me some space”. When you can not know yourself fully, how can you know the other person fully?
Source: Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar‘s Talks
Written by: Sugandha Narang
