I often picked fights with my mom as a teenager. She would many times feel hurt and stressed by my behavior. The same went for me. I too would feel hurt when she failed to give in to my wishes or see my point of view. Years later, when I became a self-responsible adult, I understood why my mom did what she did in terms of the then cringeworthy but now wise food choices she made for us, and the rules of the house.
But the common thread is: Clashes between parents and teens are normal. You may allow yourself to relax as most likely, there is nothing wrong with you.
Understanding the angst: What causes teenage problems with parents
The initial years of a child’s life are more or less controlled by parents who make most of their decisions. Once children grow into teenagers, they begin developing their own identities. They form their own opinions, learnings, likes, dislikes, and values about life. This newly-learned ability to think independently is necessary and prepares them for adulthood.
This same ability however might create differences between teens and their parents as teenagers may want to do something their parents disapprove of. Many parents find it difficult to let go of control. They are also scared about their children being hurt by the choices they make. This is natural. Parents will always be parents irrespective of their children’s age and will always want to protect and safeguard them.
On the other hand, teenagers feel parents don’t understand and respect them and don’t give them space. They do not have the maturity to understand their parents’ point of view, where they are coming from, or what their feelings are. In the background of such tension, conflicts and arguments are natural.
Does your teenager really dislike you?
Probably yes, probably not. In either case, know that their feelings will change and that your responsibility is to help them feel secure and heard during their growing-up years.
Here are a few suggestions that can help you create a more healthy understanding with your teenager.
Be understanding
Understand that your teenage children are going through a difficult stage of transition. There is also peer influence. Teenagers are under peer pressure to adhere to perceived behavior norms for a teenager. Just because they use harsh words against their parents, it definitely does not mean they don’t like their parents. Oftentimes, it is a spur-of-the-moment and a subconscious reaction. Hormones tend to work overtime during this period and emotions are amplified.
Practice detachment
Be a little dispassionate when it comes to dealing with your teenager. That will help you maintain equanimity. Meditate to inculcate this healthy detachment that makes you respond calmly to your teenager’s angry moments.
Inculcate respect
From early on in life, teach your children the relevance of respect through your words and actions. Parents should show genuine respect for their children as human beings. Talking down to them at any time of their life will not help. That may only encourage them to be disrespectful to you.
Help your teenager deal with their own emotions
Introduce your children to breathing and meditation practices at an early age which will help them cope with their intense emotions. These practices will help them relax, relieve anxiety, and handle their emotions more effectively.
Be skillful in your communication
Parents should be open in their communication and encourage their children to communicate at all times. However, never force your children to talk when they don’t feel like it. Teach your children the art of communicating subtly. While children and teenagers may not possess the maturity to have this skill, parents should always pause and think before saying anything. This will prevent fights and arguments from erupting and going out of control.
Be firm and encourage your teen to be responsible
Encourage your children to be more responsible with their words and actions. Be consistent and firm. There is absolutely no need to take any verbal insults. Children should be made aware of their limits; what is acceptable and what is not. They will then understand the value of compromise. Parents should never ever be afraid of their teenagers. In fact, children test the waters all the time, waiting to rely on the strength of their parents. They derive their courage and strength from them.
Show your love and care no matter what
Regardless of the situation, it’s important for parents to show their children that they love them no matter what. Children should be able to see the doors of communication open at all times. This would give them self-confidence and courage during this very challenging transitional phase of their life.
It took me 15 years to finally appreciate my mom’s decisions and opinions which I vehemently opposed way back then. Some may take longer. Over the years, I realized that the feelings of anger were just on the surface. Many grown-up teenagers don’t. As parents, you can only do your best to deal with your teenager wisely and ensure their well-being and growth.
Based on inputs by Dr. Prema Seshadri, Faculty, The Art of Living
Written by: Vanditaa Kothari
FAQ's on Why do Teenagers Hate Their Parents?
Teenagers form their own opinions, learnings, likes, dislikes, and values about life. These newly-learned abilities to think independently might create differences between teens and their parents as teenagers may want to do something their parents dislike. Thus, teenagers get angry with their parents.
Neither do parents approve of everything with teenagers, nor do teenagers appreciate all their parents' decisions and actions towards them. This fact disturbs the teenagers and they go against their parents.
Teenagers feel that their parents are demanding for school grades, following societal norms, helping hand at home, and spending time with family and friends.
Teenagers hate their parents as they feel their parents don't understand and respect them. The reason is that they are not mature enough to understand their parent's opinions. In this situation, tension, conflicts, and arguments are bound to happen.
To deal with teenagers who hate you -
*Be understanding with them as they are going through hormonal changes.
*Practice meditation to have a calm state of mind.
*Skillful communication will help you achieve better relationships with them.
The teen girls are striving for independence in the pursuit of which they react weird and disrespectful to their mothers. The emotional needs of the teen girls are not understood by their teen friends, and subconsciously they expect you to support them.
Teenagers form their own opinions, learnings, likes, dislikes, and values about life. These newly-learned abilities to think independently might create differences between teens, and you teenagers may want to do something you might dislike. It makes the teenagers so angry with you.
For a teenager, the hardest age is 14 - 16 years, as it is the peak of hormonal changes.
Typical teen behavior is obsessed over their bodily changes. At times they are overconfident, and other times they show diminished self-esteem.
Appeal to the opposite sex, peer pressure, hormonal changes, conscious of bodily looks, and bullying. poor eating habits, sleep disturbances, personal hygiene, screen addiction, and emotional turmoil are some teenage problems.
