How can parents deal with
sibling rivalry?

Picture this: Your children team up together, make you a nice breakfast before you wake up, and clean the house too. And, it is not even your birthday. They bring the breakfast tray to your bed. You look at it lovingly and as you bite into your sandwich, you realize the salad mix inside it has excessive salt. You hide your despair and ask who made it. One sibling claims the credit while the other one does the same. They blame each other for grabbing undue attention. Soon, a fight erupts between both. All the credit for a sandwich gone wrong.

 

You are displeased at how two of your dear pumpkins start fighting at the smallest of triggers. What causes the revelry between siblings to turn into rivalry? How to prevent it from happening? Let us understand.

 

What lights the fire: Causes of sibling rivalry

Unhealthy comparison: Do you often say ‘your brother is better than you at this’? Such statements of comparison sow seeds of sibling rivalry. Understand that every child is unique, and it is better to nurture their individual skills and talents, rather than comparing and pitting them against each other.

Perceived biases: Is one of your children secretly wondering if he or she has been adopted? You wouldn’t know until it is too late. Many children, especially the elder ones, end up thinking that the parent loves the younger ones more; that they are inferior beings whose value has been undermined because of this new being. Understand that this is natural and make an extra effort to spend time with your elder one, give him/her the necessary attention, and make him/her feel special.

Internal struggles: Often kids go through internal struggles of finding their identity, bullying, loss of old friends, peer pressure, and exam stress while growing up. These internal struggles may manifest as aggression and stress in a child who often directs them on their siblings. If you see any signs of aggression, talk to them. Get to the root of the issues that they are going through. Meditation classes for their age group will also help.

Preventing sibling rivalry: How to build a healthy bond between siblings?

Remember Ross & Monica? The brother-sister duo from FRIENDS. Monica was a subject of taunts from her mother Judy who was super-proud of her Ph.D. holder son Ross but was extra-critical of her daughter. Being the kind and empathetic brother Ross was, he tried his best to save his little sister every time she came under her mom’s scrutiny. While Monica gave her brother emotional support during his difficult times. 

Perfect, right? But is that how all siblings grow up to be? Not unless the foundation of their relationship is set right while they are growing up.

How do you create an ideal sibling bond in real life? As a parent, here are some things you can do.

 

Talk it out

Encourage the policy of open communication at home. Allow siblings to talk it out after arguments and fights. Conduct these open talks under your supervision initially. Give everyone a fair chance to speak up and encourage the siblings to see the other’s point of view. Make sure you do not take sides while conducting these conversations.

Nurture empathy & kindness

The reason why Ross was kind to Monica was that he was inherently kind. So while you focus on your children’s grades, attend to building their character as well. Qualities like empathy and kindness can maintain the peace in your house today and in the years to come. There are three ways you can nurture these traits in your children:

1. Community service: Organize regular community service activities for your children, either at an old age home, or at their grandparents’ place, or at a shelter house for animals, or any other place. Ask your children to lend their helping hand at home and assist each other as a practice. Regular practice of giving, helping, and serving inculcate these qualities in your children.
2. Meditation: Studies have shown that regular practice of meditation makes one kinder. It also makes one calmer and thus, adept at handling one’s emotions and others’ difficult behaviors. So get the sibling army in your house to meditate daily and see a difference.
3. Be kind: Your kids are learning every moment from you, albeit unconsciously. They pick the tone of anger when you fight with your partner and the way you speak with other adults. So ensure you practice empathy and kindness yourself to get your children to practice the same.

Delegate responsibilities

Delegate your children small responsibilities that get them to care for each other. Delegate the responsibility as per their age, capabilities, and schedules. One sibling’s act of kindness makes the other sibling also reciprocate with kindness.

Don’t interfere much

Don’t interfere in your children’s argument unless it is going towards aggression or violence. For small fights, always say the golden words: “Kids, sort it out yourself!”

Put in the right efforts to create a conducive environment for your children to become friends who can confide in one another and help each other. But remember, there is only so much you can do as a parent. Don’t hesitate to take professional help if needed.

 

Based on inputs by Sheetal Choudhary, Faculty, Children & Teens Desk

 

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