The ability to not get carried away by negative emotions is a significant one.
I learned this the hard way during my college years when I was leading a fundraising event to support the education of underprivileged children. I was excited, except my team was not as perfect as I wanted it to be. Or that is what I thought.
Until my team decided to overthrow me from the president’s position.
I was taken aback.
“With your arrogance, it is extremely difficult to work with you,” a team member said sharply.
“Two sponsors have turned us down because of your short temper,” another added.
“When we try to point out your mistakes, you shoot us down,” another voice complained.
My emotional graph went from boiling with anger to later being dejected with guilt and shame.
There was nothing that I could do, except leave.
Like boiling milk that is left unattended, my anger spilled all over the place. I saw an unhealthy emotional pattern in my behavior - a pattern that had cost me my leadership. My mind went back to the many instances when uncontrolled negative emotions had barged into my life, thrown me off balance and snatched away the possibility of success.
I admitted the benefits of managing emotions - achieving goals efficiently, goodwill among peers, lasting relationships and everything that’s needed to live a dignified life.
I pondered on the question, ‘how to control emotions?’ but I could not dig out any treasures of wisdom. Then, one day I met someone who held answers to my question.
I saw him in an interdepartmental meeting where his boss was shouting at him in front of us - perfect strangers - for a task he had not done. The man was listening to him with the utmost composure. After his boss was done, the man calmly apologized for missing the deadline and told him that he will complete the task within a few hours. I was amazed. After the meeting, I rushed to him. I asked if he did not feel even a tinge of anger at his boss? How on Earth was he so CALM? He smiled and told me that with the consistent practice of a series of steps, he had mastered the art of managing emotions and staying calm and centered.
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Here are the steps that he shared with me, which I seek refuge in whenever a storm of emotions barges in my life:
1. Remember - You are much bigger than your changing emotions
The truth is that everything in this world is changing, including our emotions. But, emotions change rapidly. The hurry to act on something as temporary as a wave of anger or anxiety usually leaves long-lasting damage. Another significant truth to remind yourself is, as Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says, you are much bigger than your emotions. So, stop before a wave of negativity springs you into destructive speech or action.
2. Shift your awareness
Be it a situation, person or thing, whatever has stoked that invisible reserve of negativity, resolve to shift your awareness from it. Instead, become aware of your breath and emotions. Consistent awareness will dissolve the emotion.
Becoming aware as soon as a negative emotion springs up can be difficult. In my case, regular practice of breathing techniques and meditation helped enhance my awareness.
Why breathing techniques work
Every emotion is connected with the breath. If you change the breath, the rhythm, the emotion also changes. When you cannot directly control your emotions, you can control them by the use of breath.” - Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
3. Identify your misperceptions and misbeliefs
Exercising awareness can be difficult when your mind is constantly bickering about your apparent cause of distress. Most of these bickerings arise from our flawed perceptions and the resultant misbeliefs.
For instance, your mind could be busy accusing the other of an evil motive, nurturing more anger in you. Or it could be busy giving up the possibility of a resolution. Or it could be inferring from a moment of embarrassment that you’re not good enough. There is a vast range of misperceptions your mind can make up to create a negative emotion.
Rishi Patanjali, an ancient Indian scholar and author of several scriptures, refers to this tendency of the mind in his book on the Yoga Sutras. He called the tendency of the mind to foster misperceptions and misbeliefs about the world as viparyaya. So, question yourself - is the negative emotion hovering in my mind a result of a misbelief?
In college, I would be quick to question the commitment of teammates if they committed a mistake. It was easy to assume that they did not want to work hard. I never probed deep and believed my first thoughts easily, nurturing anger in me that harmed me in the long run.
As soon as you admit that your perception and belief could be wrong, you come out of your illusions and allow the negativity to dissolve.
4. Accept people as they are
There can be a possibility that your perception is not wrong. Perhaps, people are being mean to you. Their behavior justifies your emotional reaction. But, in most likelihood, your emotional reaction will not help you and your goals. Instead, responding to a person calmly will be of immense help. To be able to do so, it is important to accept people as they are. This will help your mind devise ways to deal with the other person better.
5. Let your goals be the better guides
When we get carried away with emotions, we lose track of our goals. This happened to me in college. I lost my temper with a sponsor, who I thought would be ready to shell out a heavy sum on personal luxuries but could not spare a few thousands for the education of underprivileged. I got easily sidetracked from my main goal. When your emotions threaten your goal, it is a wise thing to choose the latter.
If you don’t have a goal, commit yourself to the worthy goal of keeping your mind at peace. This simple goal will go a long way in keeping a check on your emotions.
Written by: Vanditaa Kothari
Based on the inputs from Amol Wagle, Faculty, The Art of Living
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