If you feel freedom within, the whole world belongs to you and you experience a sense of closeness with it. But, when you think others don’t love you, you also spontaneously stop loving them. We are so deeply ingrained in our mental patterns that we only respond if someone gives us a flower. If someone gives us a thorn, we are not programmed to give them a rose instead. Our mental programming is tit for tat! You love someone only if they also love you and treat you fairly well. You have to come out of this by educating yourself again and again. Then you will see the whole world is full of positivity and a sense of belonging.
8 ways intimacy shudders in a relationship
1. Taking sides
Behind every broken relationship, is an ego lurking in the shadows. Ego means you identify yourself with a thought process, or a feeling, or an ideology, and take sides. Judgments and opinions are a part of life. But if the same opinions make you feel very distant and disconnected from others and uncomfortable with them, then there is no peace and happiness! A rajasic ego has taken over your positive state of mind. The moment you drop your fear of any adverse remark or harsh comment on you and willingly accept the differences with people without any hesitation, you are at peace. This is sattvic ego.
Relationship tip # 1 - It’s good to have a sattvic ego as it broadens your sense of belonging and develops true intimacy!
2. Desires
The more you indulge in desires and stimuli, the hotter you get in your head blurring your vision and perception in life. When you give in to lust and indulge in it too much, everything else also suffers in your life including what you were supposed to accomplish. Your work is hampered, studies creativity goes for a toss including your work, your studies, etc! All this agitates the sweetness of a relationship.
Ancient scriptures recommend celibacy for at least the first twenty-five years of life because this is the time to gain the necessary skills to lead a happy and successful life. Sex is a natural urge and there’s no need to look down upon it as it’s a part of life. Be very natural and moderate with sex.
Relationship tip # 2 - When you start doing Pranayama and meditation you are so blissful, lust does not affect your intimacy.
3. Expectations
We tend to see people through the lenses of our expectations and not as they really are. This brings in a sense of demand in the relationship, reducing the unconditional aspect of love. We expect our partner to bring us flowers and to do innumerable things to make us feel special and end up imagining a future too rosy to be practical. But, in fact, love flows to one who is fulfilled and content.
Relationship tip # 3 - Learn to observe your expectations, just like you watch a movie. Another way to let go of expectations is to learn the Sudarshan Kriya, a breathing technique that heightens awareness and lessens the intensity of misery due to expectations.
4. Insensitivity or too much sensitivity
When people fall in love they always appreciate the good qualities of each other but how long does it last? After a few thrilling months, when the initial attraction dies down, demand begins. Then you start to see flaws in them and the same heart-racing enthusiasm for the partner has now turned into aggression, anger, and insensitivity. This is the breaking point in a relationship!
The other extreme is being too sensitive and getting carried away by emotions. Such emotional people are sometimes not very sensible.
Relationship tip # 4 - What is really needed is sensitivity along with sensibility. A perfect combination of head and heart, to say in the layperson's language!
5. Judgments
Before you judge someone else, first see how you can relate to them, accommodate them. Then check out how much you can influence someone to change.
If you think people don’t have feelings, you are mistaken. People do have feelings but sometimes those feelings get covered by their own tensions, stresses, and problems of life. When their expressions of love are not very obvious to you sometimes, just know that they are in their own little difficulty. Such understanding will nurture any relationship and bring in deep intimacy.
Relationship tip #5 - See the possibility that people and things can change at any time and don't hold onto the judgments.
6. Finding imperfection in yourself or others
When we see intentions behind people’s mistakes, we lose our innermost perfection. We need to simply relax and rejoice in the lighter moments of life. Have an understanding that life is a combination of good and bad, and perfect and imperfect both.
Your action cannot be without flaws. Even your speech is prone to imperfections. But, your innermost being can be without flaws. So, focus on how you feel inside under every imperfection. At all costs it is important you save your mind to protect your bonding with your partner.
Relationship tip #6 - When you find imperfections in others don’t let them enter your heart.
7. Grumbling or lack of gratitude
To nurture any relationship, simply appreciate their love for you. Even if you find their love reducing for you, express your gratitude towards them. This will turn things around, they might start loving you even more!
Also, having a sense that you have received more than you deserve from your partner makes you humble and sweet in a relationship. Humility is the glue that keeps lovers together.
Another biggest secret to a fulfilling, intimate relationship is knowing that demand destroys love! Demanding explanations from your partner and complaining about how things are both stifle the freedom in a relationship.
A relationship that stems from a space of contributing and not demanding will be a very nurturing one. But if your focus is on what the other person did for you and could have possibly done for you then it's going to be very disturbing.
Relationship #7 - Meditate to cultivate a perpetual state of gratefulness in your relationship.
8. Lack of Vivek or vairagya – discretion or dispassion
Passion builds attachment in a relationship. But when you are too much attached and passionate, you don’t easily let go. And when you don’t let go, things don’t work well in a relationship.
In a relationship, only passion breeds obsession and keeps you on the run for pleasure but dispassion brings centeredness and serenity. A broader understanding of the transient nature of things brings a state of non-attachment to any events, objects, people, or situations that let you remain calm and unperturbed.
If you are centered and calm you will understand that everyone who has come to this world has come here to give something to the world, we have nothing to take from here. This wisdom frees your mind and brings clarity!
Relationship tip #8- Be centered and calm to bring clarity to your relationship!
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